With Dignity and Respect

Most everyone that reads my blog knows by now that my mom died almost two weeks ago. It was a shock and very sudden. She died of pneumonia. We believe that she did not know how sick she was. My sister, Jeanne called me on Thursday night, September 9, to let me know that she had taken mom to the hospital. By the time I got there on Friday morning, her x-rays showed the breathing capacity in one lung to be about the size of a lemon with no breathing capacity in the other. The antibiotics could never touch it. She went downhill from there. All I wanted for her was dignity and respect at the end. When it comes right down to it, if there were some sort of checklist for deaths that you could choose, this would probably have been it for her---no pain, quick, in her right mind and not in a nursing home. It might have been best for her, but it sure is hard on us. We weren't ready to lose her yet.

This is not meant to be a sad or maudlin post, but rather a celebration of her. You see, for 43 years she was the only parent we had. Without realizing it, we put all of our parental energies into her. Sure, she drove us crazy, aggravated us, and put each of us to the test. But, we loved her. She was happy to hear us complain about her---it made her chuckle---she was thrilled to be the center of our attention. We even joked about that. Our family has a great sense of humor and so did she.

But amidst all of that pain and heartache near the end, something so beautiful happened. There are 7 of us. 2 have always been a bit on the cold/stand-offish side, while the rest of us are "kissy/huggy" tight. They needed to be "tucked in" and we needed them to be. It was just us---the "original 7"---and it was truly beautiful. We thank mom for that. Our family has always been close---never anyone on the outs for very long. We're loud, we still fight at times, but it's easy with us.

I thought I would share the eulogy with you. Each of the "original 7" chose one word to describe mom and added a couple examples. Jeanne wrote it with a little help from me and I was the one elected to give it. I hope you enjoy the humor and celebrate her with us. She was truly one amazing woman. The best lesson she left us was disclosed during the homily by Father Don who didn't even know her. It was so perfect. He said that the most important lesson she taught us was how to live with grief. That was so right on. Never once did we see her cry at the loss of our dad at 37. She was only 36 with kids ranging from 15 to 2. How scared she must have been. But to us she was everything.

When we thought about writing a eulogy for Mom we came up with the idea that each of the original seven would state one word to describe her. We came up with the “original seven” when the family got so big. We needed a term to mean just us kids.

I picked - Organized – because she would embroider different color x’s on mine & the twins clothes and socks when we were little so we wouldn’t get them mixed up. Mom made yarn covered hangers and we each had our own color that matched our room. Her efficiency has made this process so much easier on all of us. Mom, we thank you for that.

RONNIE chose - Determined – because when she was determined she was REALLY determined. She resolved not to be a burden on anyone and she wasn’t.

JANICE decided on Tolerant – because she allowed us all to be individuals and develop our own personalities. Mom was a very private person and therefore did not gossip about others.

JENNIFER picked Bull-headed – because she was strong-willed and stubborn. Shopping with mom was especially difficult because she insisted on buying American and even though we admired her convictions, that was not always an easy task. As a result she had us all pulling our hair out and dodging the job.

JEANNE went for Strong – because she was our rock when dad died. Widowed at 36 with 7 kids ranging in age from 15 to 2 she raised us on her own. On second thought, maybe she wasn’t as strong as we thought because she always told us “You blank, blank kids are going to drive me to the nuthouse.” But she never did go.

MATT chose Competitive – because she involved us in sports, played games with us and taught us to play poker at a young age. And when it came to poker we had to play her way. She was a whiz at Scrabble and always hit us with words we never heard of. She probably got those from the crossword puzzles she loved working. As a matter of fact while she was in the hospital we tried to do a crossword puzzle in her honor and amongst 4 of us we couldn’t get past the 5th clue.

JOYCE decided on Financier – because she taught us all to budget and manage our money in preparation for the real world. She was one of those original refunders in the 70’s and she always hit the sales and used coupons. Free stuff was up her alley and she taught us well. During the time she was in the hospital we enjoyed free snacks and drinks from carts provided in the ICU until signs were put on the carts indicating that the stuff was for a particular room. It was important to mom so she sacrificed to provide each of us 12 years of Catholic education. She read Money Magazine and the Kiplinger for pleasure. We original seven think that’s incredibly boring.

There are many more words to describe our Mom. Organized, determined, tolerant, bull-headed, strong, competitive and financier are just the tip of the iceberg. Our family has grown to 37 including 21 grand children and great grand children, she took pride in the fact that we are close. We loved her very much and will miss her dearly but we find some comfort in knowing that after 43 years she has finally been reunited with the love of her life.