Stool Happens!

Went to the doctor today and am excited to try an experiment that could finally rid me of these pesky hives. I will be taking a series of 3 medications for 3 weeks to "kill" a possible bacteria that I might have. After my talk with the doctor, he sent me to the lab for bloodwork. His nurse gave me a little cup and something wrapped up in a bag for my "stool" sample. Having never done anything like this before, I asked her if there were directions. She said, "no, you just use this (pointing to the wrapped up "thing") and return it to the lab." I left the office, still unsure as to what I was supposed to do---many questions swimming around my head like, "how much, how do I "catch it" or do I scoop it out (I know, more information than you want to hear---well, now you know how I felt). On my way to the lab, not one to waste time, I figured I'd just go to the bathroom and get it over with right then and there and save me a trip. I opened the mysterious package to find a tongue depressor. Now I was really baffled. What was I supposed to do with that thing. Okay, I'll try a "catch". I sat there trying to "get into it" when someone knocked on the door. I said, "just a minute please". After that, it was all over, there was no way I could rush it, nor get it "moving" with an audience. I threw away the stick as I figured it was already contaminated by taking it out of the package. On to the lab for the bloodwork. They got me out pretty quick, but upon leaving, I said, "psst" to the nurse and motioned her over. I wanted to be discreet about my stool ignorance. So I asked her if I was supposed to fill up the cup. She sort of gasped and said, "oh, no! Just this much" and pointed to about 1/2" up the container. Okay, now we're getting somewhere. She then said she'd give me a bag to put it in. Imagine my distress when she handed me a CLEAR bag---not exactly what you want to carry your stool around in. Makes you feel rather exposed--if ya know what I mean.

Feeling confident that I now knew what I needed to do, I left and went about my day. I got home about 3 p.m. and decided to "try" again. It hit me then that I still didn't know exactly how to go about it. Everything went smoothly and I did a perfect "catch" with what appears to be the exact amount all in one neat little turd. I put the container in the clear bag and then in a Victoria Secret gift bag for good measure. I love the irony of that neat little "gift"!!! I just hope Butch doesn't try to "peek" in the bag---what a surprise that will be!!!