Hey Girls,I wanted to share my experience with you. I've already typed this up to use as hidden journaling somewhere in one of my scrapbooks with a little more of my private thoughts. When I told your dad about it, he said he had these same feelings of "unworthiness." We are not the type that has spent a lot of time talking about our faith, but it's important to both of us just the same. Don't worry, we're not going all "holy roller" on you. But this was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.I love you girls.MomMy Story:October 27, 2011 we were in Washington, D.C. for the investiture in to a little known Catholic organization dedicated to promoting Catholic education in The Holy Land (side note: only 2% of the population in The Holy Land is Christian) to which you have to be nominated by your Bishop and ultimately approved by the Pope. People are "called" to this group due to their dedication to Catholic education here. It's not about "money." Kind of hard to explain.
The day of our practice, one of the ladies in charge said to us: “you are about to become “ladies" of the Papal Court---a very big “deal.” I immediately started to cry. Another “lady” in charge asked me if I was okay. I told her that I felt so unworthy and humbled---I didn't say "phony"---but that was at the heart of it. She said that I would not have been nominated or “called” if I was not worthy. I still felt kind of like a phony---I’m not the greatest Catholic in the world---irreverent, even--- but have certainly spent most of my life working and raising money for Catholic education. I have a deep seated faith in Catholic education.
Then the day of the investiture---I have some health issues going on--even beyond my hives, my clothes aren’t quite right, the shoes hurt and then the pantyhose start to roll down. In all fairness, I haven’t had pantyhose on in years.
I’m a nervous wreck. I’m such a “faller.” I was so afraid that I’d trip walking up the steps to the altar, or worse yet, those hose would roll all the way to the floor. I stood in the formation line literally shaking with fear. Then I said to myself, “okay, Lord, I can’t handle this. You brought me here, you are going to have to take care of me.” Then it hit me. I’d been praying since about the first of the year---2011---feeling that my spirituality was lacking and that I needed to do something---at that time, I prayed, “okay Lord, if you want me to do something, put it before me.” I was praying about this long before we were notified that we'd been nominated for this special honor.
Suddenly, standing in the back of that most beautiful St. Matthew’s Cathedral, it hit me like a ton of bricks. THIS was it. He brought me to this. I suddenly was able to relax a little, trying to having faith that it would all turn out okay.
As my pantyhose kept inching down, I had visions of them rolling all the way to the floor when I knelt to greet the Cardinal. They were right about my knees by now and seemed to stay put. Each time we had to kneel or stand, they creeped slightly lower. I kept saying, “please Lord, I can’t handle this. You need to do it.” I’m nervous about the steps up to the altar---seeing those hose in my mind take a final “roll” in front of the entire Church.
I was the first of the “ladies” to go up---deja vu of my First Holy Communion. Right before my name was called, a knight stepped over and said, “let me help you.” I looked at him a little puzzled, but stepped out. All he did was take my elbow so I could make the first step. I was able to completely relax, make the rest of the steps, the hose “held” and I didn’t have any problems kneeling on the prieux dieux like I had during the rehearsal.
Once I returned to my seat, I knew I had witnessed a miracle. Jesus had sent me that angel. The enormity of it was so strong. I was EXACTLY where HE wanted me to be. Now, I can’t let HIM down! I don't mean to sound so melodramatic, but it was the most incredible moment---I'm still crying.
If you remember what it was like growing up Catholic---coming home from a retreat when you were in school---feeling all renewed and spiritual---that's exactly how this felt---except 10 times more. Little miracles happen every day and I intend to recognize them in my life.Faith is a powerful thing! And even though we're all "flawed" it's okay. Basically, if I was putting a label on myself, I'd say I was a "lazy" Catholic which has nothing to do with what I actually believe.
There, I'm done.