St. Louis is Not a Vacation Destination

Here's how it went down. I arrived yesterday afternoon. I was reminded that I had to get "stuff" out of the trunk in the garage. Well, last time I was here, mom "enticed" me with the knowledge that there was genealogical stuff I might like to have in there. I took one look at the trunk with stuff piled to the ceiling on top of it, completely boxed in around it, also piled high and decided that even if the Shroud of Turin was in there, I wasn't going for it.

Jeanne came over for dinner and went out with me to get to the trunk. Turns out, it wasn't so hard after all, because most of the boxes were empty! Seems like I inherited my box issues from my mother. We unburied the trunk and started hauling the stuff inside for mom to go through. Jeanne and I discovered what is going to be our family competition on Saturday. Mom had prom pictures for each one of us---and are they hilarious!!! Talk about hideous dresses---oh wait, that's a category for the competition (but Janice is going to win that one "hands down" for her floor length purply plaid floral number).

After Jeanne left, mom said, "yeah, I've been meaning to clean out my garage". Translated: "Barb, will you clean out my garage"? I learned a long time ago, my mother never asks for what she wants, just hints as in "I've been meaning to hang these pictures, move this stuff, inventory my safe deposit box---translated: "Barb will you, blah, blah, blah. Since I live away, I always take the hint as my sisters, Jeanne and Jennifer have to do everything else.

Fast forward to today. Bright and early this morning, I started on the garage. Mom was a little nervous about what I was going to do. She was hovering until I made her go inside. I promised that I wouldn't throw anything away (I lied about the boxes). I also promised that I would not look at the private papers she had stored in another box (okay, I took a peek---I really don't care about the make and model of the phones she has). Don't get me wrong, my mom is the queen of organization---always has been. She doesn't keep a lot of junk. It wasn't that hard of a job except that it was a garage. Thank goodness it was only a one car garage. Sweep, sneeze, drip (as in sweating), sweep, sneeze, drip, etc.---you get the picture. I also discovered little mouse droppings, but won't tell her that. When I finished, I had a pretty significant pile of crap and crud. Now what should I do with it---no dustpan. Even unbelievable to me, but I scooped up a bunch of it with my BARE hands. With the rest of it, I have a choice, sweep it into mom's grass, or the neighbor's grass. I chose the neighbor's. Not really. Okay, yes, really. What the heck, they were still sleeping. By the time they see it, the garage will be closed and they'll have no idea where it came from.

I've also been assigned lamp shopping as Jeanne has reached her frustration level with that and Jennifer has reached her---I'm going to jump off a cliff if I have to take mom shopping one more time---level. She had the unfortunate task of taking mom mattress shopping a while back and needed two stiff gin and tonics to survive the ordeal---with nary a mattress bought.

Okay, sure, I can get the lamp. Then Jeanne hits me with all the stipulations---can't cost more than $64.00, can't be made in China, has to be the correct shade of antiqued brass to match the other lamp and so on. I must say, I'm pumped for the assignment and I have an ace in the hole! Jennifer has some Made in the USA stickers to only be used as a last resort. We wouldn't want mom to catch on that all the stickers look alike!

I get along shopping with mom pretty well. I just treat her like a little kid. My last assignment was shoe shopping for my niece, Jessica's wedding. I took her to ONE shoe store (none of this driving all over tarnation for me). I found a place and told her to sit down. I asked her what size she wore and proceeded to find shoes---not too tall of a heel, no sling backs or open toes, no made in Taiwan, not too slippery, ivory---not beige, white or taupe, preferably cloth since they look more formal, etc. She found two pairs she liked and couldn't decide between the two. She asked if I was taking her somewhere else, I said "no" and made her buy both pairs. She returned the pair she didn't wear the following week.

I've also taken her bra shopping---should be pretty simple----doesn't need anything sexy, just utilitarian. Took me about 5 minutes. I just tell her what she has to buy. End of story. I predict the lamp shopping will be pretty much the same. Maybe she complains about how bossy I am, what do I care, I'm gone.