Brene' Brown is a researcher and storyteller. Over the years, I've read a few of her books and listened to several podcasts and Ted Talks. She is always interesting. She writes about emotions and connections and what it means to be human.
She writes books that are so dense with information that it's nearly impossible to absorb it all with a single reading. I can probably read this book 20 times and still not get it all! Plus, her books are pretty cerebral--probably much deeper than my little brain can handle. Still, I find them interesting. I always learn something.
What she writes almost always gives me lots of "aha" moments. Years ago, I read something by her where she mentioned the characteristics of being the firstborn. Without even knowing me, she nailed it! Firstborns are responsible, goal-oriented, stubborn, independent, and perfectionists with leadership abilities. I think I personally need to add helper and bossy to this list. I am both of those too. While some of those traits seem good, many seem sort of "bad" or at the very least, annoying.
Well, Atlas of the Heart was so full of new ideas that it made my head spin. But the one that really resonated with me was this: "Help is the sunny side of control!" OMGosh!!! I have never, ever considered something like this before. But, I'm kinda ashamed to admit that it's true. Let's break it down.
I LOVE helping people. I really do. I've been a volunteer all of my life. I've helped just about everyone in my circle in one way or another--mostly in physical ways--like moving, organizing, cleaning out closets, decorating, party planning, planting gardens--you name it. If a family member or friend needs help, I'm right there. I really am--and love doing it.
But that statement---"Help is the sunny side of control"--OMGosh! I realize it is the absolute truth about me. I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but when I do help someone, it's going to be MY way. Of course, part of that is because I have a mind that sees how something should and can be done most efficiently. As I look back over the years, I can remember saying to friends or family, "Okay, you can't be offended by anything I say when I'm in my "work" mode. I want to work, work hard and get the job done!
I never thought about my helping people as a form of control. But, I guess it sorta is. I'm not sure what the answer is here--or how to fix that. I cannot do a job if I think it's being done the wrong way. I don't want to waste my time. I guess that's where the stubborn part comes in. I think I know best and don't want to veer from that. Don't get me wrong. I am always open to new ideas and I love learning something new. I can quickly adapt if I think the idea has merit and my mind sees how it could be better. Then I'm all for it. If not, then "no." Just "no!"
Butch and I talked about it at the beach. Thank goodness he thinks---and it made me feel much better---that I really do want to help people. I've always thought that I truly had altruistic motives. I never thought it was about control. But apparently, it just comes across that way.
To all my family and friends, I apologize! But, in the future, if you ask for my help, I cannot guarantee that a little control won't come out!! That's just how I roll!
PS I just discovered that Brene' Brown has done a mini-series on HBO Max about Atlas of the Heart. I've watched the first episode. For me, it just adds to the book with video clips and examples. I'm enjoying it as much as the book. I gave the book 5 stars! If you like this sort of introspective type of book, give it a try.
What an interesting perspective! I had never thought of it that way!
ReplyDeleteThere's a name I haven't heard for years, I might have to see if the library has Altas of the Heart. I have a vague recollection of trying one of her earlier books, and not getting very far. But sometimes it is a stage of life thing that opens us up and accepts things that alter our perspectives.
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